


My Pride of Lions

by Maisie_top_trash



Series: Unseen - Fear Will Lose [37]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety, Christianity, Depression, Homophobia, Internalised Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Pride, Religious Abuse, Religious Conflict
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-25 05:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16191317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: Unseen Fear Will Lose is a series of single chapter stories showing unseen scenes from the same universe as my main story, Fear Will Lose. In order to fully enjoy these extra bits, I recommend you go and read that first.Fear Will LoseThe day of Columbus Pride has finally arrived, Tyler's excitement is bubbling over whilst Josh can barely breathe. How is he supposed to choose? God? Or Tyler?Trigger warning for homophobic language and ideas, child abuse, and mentions of self harm





	1. Chapter 1

YOU MEAN MY GAY ASS IS GOING TO SPEND ETERNITY IN HELL WILL ALL THESE OTHER GORGEOUS GAY MEN? DAMN!

Josh couldn’t tear his eyes from the screen of his laptop, fixated on the photo of the sign that someone was holding at LA pride, found on the seventh page of Google images. He’d spent all day going though the Christians at Pride tag on Tumblr, finding occasional reassurance in long text posts of Biblical ‘evidence’ for supporting homosexuality, but too many posts that supported and exasperated his own concerns and fears.

That tag had lead to Religious Pride, then Religion and Homosexuality, then Homophobia. He’d been pleasantly surprised by the amount of love under the homophobia tag, but nonetheless the confessions of other queer young adults that their family is homophobic, or even they themselves were struggling with internalised homophobia, was difficult for Josh to read. He pushed through, forcing his eyes to scan each line of each vent in case it would somehow provide him with a way to settle his own nauseating trepidation. It didn’t.

Tomorrow was Columbus Pride, his first, Tyler’s second. Last year his law class were on a obligatory week long trip to witness part of a murder trial on the other side of the state, so unfortunately he’d had to miss the event, however Tyler went with his family and returned with all kinds of phrases that scared Josh. He said how he felt “like he was finally home” and “loved by his community” and repeatedly told him how much he “adored feeling like he belonged and wouldn’t have it any other way” - Josh had smiled over FaceTime from his hotel near the court and promised to try and come along one time to see what all the fuss was about, and a year later Tyler was holding him to that promise.

Tyler was incredibly excited at the prospect of attending pride, the self proclaimed best day of his life, with his boyfriend, and was in the process of making them matching outfits. He wanted them to be a secret, which unnerved Josh, and the fact that Tyler had accidentally had the fabrics delivered to Josh’s apartment rather than where they lived the other half of the week with the Joseph family had meant that Josh had accidentally opened the box. Lots of rainbow, lots of neon, lots of glitter.

They’d been at it all day, Tyler and his sister in Josh’s kitchen, equipped with a sewing machine and lots of threads and needles and bits and pieces that were spread over the table. At least that was the set up Josh imagined, since he hadn’t been allowed into the room for close to 3 hours.

Being exiled to the living room only facilitated more and more searching, and Josh was finding the google images more unappealing than anything he’d found on Tumblr. Not only were there Christian protestors in the background of half the photos, but worse still there were members of the LGBT community proudly brandishing signs that Josh found deeply offensive to his faith.

YOU MEAN MY GAY ASS IS GOING TO SPEND ETERNITY IN HELL WILL ALL THESE OTHER GORGEOUS GAY MEN? DAMN!

How dare he dismiss Hell like that? His whole life Josh had been petrified of Hell, truly terrorised by the thought, and the camp gay guy in tight Lycra shorts and a leather jacket and nothing else but a dodgy tan was smiling in the picture. Smiling at the idea of Hell. A place of endless suffering, of the New Testament’s eternal fire, infinite agony - something to be feared.

That fear had motivated Josh his entire life, every decision made with the fuel of avoiding damnation. He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t even think without having to question whether he’d be judged poorly for it when the day finally came. Everything had to be evaluated. Everything had to be considered as he desperately did anything possible to save his soul, and, and that man had the audacity to poke fun at it?

It had been his parents’ lead motivator; if he did anything they deemed even remotely unpleasing, he’d be frightened down into submission through threats of Hell. They’d even used it to justify the beatings - if he paid for his sins now, he could potentially be saved in the afterlife. In that respect they were doing him a favour, and that mentality had kept him a prisoner of their violence for almost 2 decades.

No matter how much time passed, it was coming up to 5 years by his records, Josh still caught himself contemplating whether they had it right and the rest of the world had it wrong. Often when he least expected it, when he was feeling more comfortable, he’d hear his mom’s voice in his ear and immediately his mind would be transported back to their cellar. Whether it be in the coffee shop when he glanced at a magazine triggering the recall of Paul’s words in Romans 1:29 reminding him that to gossip was to let wickedness and Satan in, or more commonly and far more disturbingly, whilst having sex with Tyler. More and more often his parents would worm their way into his thoughts whilst he was at his most passionate and therefore most vulnerable, and it was so slowly but surely ruining his life.

He loved Tyler, he did, more than anything on God’s good earth. He loved him, there was no questioning that. And yet, and yet...

“Babe,” Tyler burst excitedly through the door, armed with a tape measure and a grin up to his ears.  
“Ty,”  
“These are taking so much longer than I was anticipating! I mean Jesus, who thought a hem would take a gay so long to stitch?? I just need to quickly check measurements again because the ones we have in the kitchen make it seem like your arms are different lengths,” He was babbling away happily and Josh hated how detached he felt from the bubble of excitement.

“Maddy’s like some kind of seamstress ninja, she’s just whipping out these nuggets of info and crazy skills like it’s nobody’s business. We are gonna look fiiiiine,” Tyler still didn’t stop as he stretched the measuring tape along each of Josh’s arms. “Aha, yep, left arm’s wrong. Lemme go change my notes.”

He started making his way back to his sister when he must have realised that Josh still hadn’t really reacted to him coming in, and suddenly became aware that just because things were good with him didn’t mean they were with his boyfriend.

“Josh?”  
“Mm?”  
“You feeling okay babe?”  
“Yeah yeah,”  
“Sure?”  
“Think so.” He nodded over enthusiastically.  
“What are you doing?” Tyler came closer again, tilting Josh’s mac screen so he could see.

“Checking out pride hey? Wow, you’re super deep into the search pages,” he laughed a little when he noticed the page number. “You trying to find the pic I’m using for inspiration for your outfit? Because I already told you, that bad boy is a secret, under lock and key, and you’ll neeeeverrrr find it.”  
“Busted.” Josh whispered quietly, trying his best to play along.  
“You sure you’re okay?” Tyler ran his hand through Josh’s hair and it felt like bliss.  
“I’m sure.”  
“You’re a horrible liar. There’s painkillers in the bathroom, you’re not any less of a man for taking one.” He presumed Josh was having a headache, and deep down it hurt that Tyler couldn’t instantly work out what was going on. Josh felt like, if the tables weren’t turned, which they frequently were, then he’d be able to distinguish that Tyler was upset and bordering on distressed rather than in physical pain. But of course he didn’t say anything.

“I’ll be okay.”  
“I can grab you some water?”  
“Honest Ty, I think I just need a minute.”  
“Alright, Maddy and I will try and keep the noise down.” The hand that had been running through Josh’s hair moved instead to slide down his chest whilst Tyler hugged him from behind, pressing his lips to Josh’s crown. “I love you Jishwa,”  
“Love you too.”

With that he left to return to his sewing project and his sister.        
Josh’s own sisters still believed him to be possessed by demons. Of course he didn’t have updates on the opinions his family held of him at any given moment, but he knew from personal experience that any close relative who had turned to sin was first scolded, then prayed for, then exorcised, then renounced if undeterred from their sin. Their Uncle Peter had undergone the same treatment after it emerged he was battling alcoholism, and Josh didn’t know whether he’d been saved or whether he was dead. To the Duns he was dead - they couldn’t afford to taint their good name with associations to sinners.

They were and still continued to be a vital pillar in their community, and viewed as role models in their church. Brother Bill and Sister Laura were good people, that’s what he’d heard his whole life, they were good people and he was blessed to have them raise him, and he should thank the Lord every single day for His generosity. They were ideal parents, raising their children with the fear of God’s wrath drilled into their foundations and the love of His grace oozing from their hearts, and other families in their church should take note and attempt to replicate with their own children. That had been explicitly announced on multiple occasions, and Josh hadn’t flinched. He’d learnt not to flinch.

He couldn’t say with any validity that the others knew about the beatings, but nobody had looked twice when Josh’s shirt had slipped up during soccer games at youth group on the weekends to unveil swollen and often bloodied welts decorating his back. And for that, he feared he would never forgive them.

Forgiveness was a fundament of his faith, but Josh was already accustomed to the knowledge that there were a select few individuals he would never be able to forgive. The drunk driver who killed his best friend. The doctor who looked away from Jordan’s scars whilst treating his 17 cracked ribs and consequent punctured lungs after he dared to question God one evening. The male that claimed to be his father who had smashed a door through Tyler’s skull, and the woman who warped Josh’s every thought and manipulated every feeling to keep him loyal and dependent for so many years.

Knowing he was unable to forgive meant having to come to terms with the fact that he was a bad person. Throughout the Bible it was commanded that in order to access Heaven, one had to forgive all who had wronged against them, just as Jesus had done, and through his disobedience Josh was condemning himself to an eternity in Hell, without God’s love washing over him.

Luke 6:37  
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Even with all the determination he could muster, Josh could not even step foot on the route to forgiveness. How could it be just and right that he should be abused and yet he was the one expected to heal the relationship that had never brought anything but misery and pain into his life? And with that, Josh knew he had questioned his Lord, and his first instinct was to hit himself.

Hands beginning to shake, Josh shut his laptop and abandoned it on the coffee table, wiping his sweaty palms on his pants as he rushed across the room and into the kitchen, quivering lips pressed together.

“Josh! Nooo! Don’t look!” Maddy squealed with a little giggle as she rushed to cover up the mess of colours and sparkles in front of the brother sister team, but Tyler saw the expression on his face and immediately sunk to his level.  
“What’s wrong?”  
“M’going out.”  
“Babe, tell me what’s wrong.”  
“Maddy, you, uh, you good watching him?” Tyler still required supervision, just in case. He was always fine, but they had to be careful, just in case.  
“Yeah, course, what’s going on?” The 18 year old frowned.  
“Andrew and Jesse should be home soon, and call your mom if it’s urgent, or 911 in an emergency,”  
“Josh,” his boyfriend stood up to be by his side but Josh took a big step back towards the door.

“Going for a run.”  
“In your jeans??”  
“Need some fresh air.”  
“Has something happened?” Tyler looked scared but Josh couldn’t speak. “Please, I’m worried.”  
“I’m fine, just stress, over school, a paper, I’m fine. I need to go.”  
“Well at least have something to drink if you’re going to exercise?”  
“I’m fine, I’ll, I’ll come back later,” Josh could feel his heart pounding against his ribs, threatening to burst through and expose him, or reduce him to tears and consequently move the burden onto Tyler to deal with, which Josh refused to do. Instead he left the two siblings in stunned silence and rushed to his room to throw on a pair of Nike sneakers, then hurried out of the apartment and down the hall to the communal stairs.

He hated his apartment block. There was nothing majorly wrong with the building or his actual home, but the community who lived there were cold and unfriendly, and when he was at his lowest they weren’t there for him. He could remember one incident vividly, whilst Tyler was still in the hospital, and he had never felt more alone in his life; he’d locked himself out and returned to his door with his groceries in splitting paper bags, and Jesse and Andrew were out of state on a stag weekend, meaning he was left to sit against the frame of his apartment whilst waiting 4 hours for a locksmith who kept saying he was only 15 minutes away, and exactly 11 residents had passed him and nobody offered to help. It came to no surprise to Josh that the couple getting their mail didn’t flinch when he sprinted straight past them and out onto the street.

Who was he to judge other people? He scolded himself. They were under no obligation to help him. He didn’t know what they were enduring, just as they weren’t aware that getting locked out came at the end of a week of one pummelling blow after another, hearing he’d failed one of his modules and needed to retake it, spilling coffee all over his laptop and losing a paper he’d spent days on, learning that Tyler had had another suicide attempt. It had been a bad week, but maybe his fellow building mates were also going through a difficult time, and arguably Josh was equally as guilty for not taking the time to enquire. How could he expect them to do for him what he had been unwilling to do for them?

He was a hypocrite. Yet another sin.

Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar, 1John 4:20. Josh had no right to bare grudge against those who shared his building, he held no authority that allowed him to pass judgment, that was the Lord’s duty and he was overstepping his mark as a mere mortal. His only task was to live a sin free existence, and yet he couldn’t even do that successfully for the creator of the universe and decider of his fate. It was as though he attracted sin, every path he took seemed to be the wrong one, but Josh knew he had nobody to blame but himself. He didn’t attract sin, it was him who was attracted to sin.

That was the root of his turmoil, that was why he was panicking, that was why his legs were carrying him away from his home as fast as they possibly could, regardless of the fatigue that would kick in once the anxious adrenaline drained, and that was why he knew he was destined for damnation. His attraction to sin, his attraction to Tyler.

It hurt his head, because he couldn’t even contemplate the idea that Tyler and corruption were synonymous, it wasn’t true, it wasn’t Tyler’s fault in any way shape or form that Josh was a defiled soul, in fact he was perfect, and that was the true problem. His imperfect perfection equalled temptation that Josh had been unable to resist, and that was where the crime had been committed. Josh’s actions, not Tyler’s existence. Tyler was innocent.

If Josh looked to the scriptures for reassurance of that, he found a verse that was more widely known by popular culture than any others.

Leviticus 18:22  
If a man lies with a man as with a woman, they have both committed an abomination.

And when viewing it through the opinion of protecting Tyler, it was easy to dismiss. Josh found it easy to shelter his boyfriend from the possibility of Hell by use of logic and reasoning, it was easy to point out the other sins such as blended fabrics and shaving beards that were now forgotten, it was easy to dismiss the views just as the Bible’s views of slavery are dismissed in modern day, it was easy to highlight that it was only a single sentence that went against the entire religion that preached God’s forgiving and merciful and unconditional love. That was easy.

Josh found it an easy line to argue, and he could do it without breaking a sweat. Of course Tyler being homosexual wasn’t deserving of burning in the eternal fire, there was never a shadow of doubt in his mind. And yet, when the evidence was given against this own sins, Josh sprinted through the streets of Columbus, dipping and diving through groups of people as he tried desperately to run and run and run until he was far enough away for the thought to stop following him.

It never worked.

If Tyler was innocent, why did Josh feel so dirty? If Tyler could be forgiven, why did he hold himself to such different standards? If Tyler could experience God’s immense love, why couldn’t Josh?

And then his mind fell further down the spiral - he’d said Tyler could be forgiven, but forgiven for what? That implied he was a sinner. Ignoring the stream of sweat that ran down his back and the twinge in his ankle he’d rolled a few weeks ago, Josh sprinted faster and faster as he tried to make sense of his own thoughts. Did he subconsciously think Tyler was a sinner??

It was evidenced in the Bible, alcoholism and drug addictions in Romans 13:13 and Corinthians 5:11 and Ephesians 5:18-21. Self mutilation in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 and Leviticus 19:28. Even just moments ago he had used the name of Jesus as an exclamatory. Was Tyler a bad person?

Suddenly he had the urge to hurt himself again, to plunge his fingers deep into his flesh and rip out chunks, to scrape his skin from his frame, to reopen the old wounds on his back. It was an evil thought, a thought he shouldn’t be thinking, not about his boyfriend.

He was full of evil thoughts, his mind corrupted.

Trying to trace back to the initial breach lead Josh in tighter and tighter circles that made his chest feel like it was trapped in a clamp, squeezing and squeezing and making it harder and harder to breathe. He was a treacherous partner for thinking such horrible things about the man who loved him the most. He was a treacherous follower for putting a homosexual’s love before God Almighty’s. There seemed no escape from the loop and before he knew it, tears were seeping from Josh’s eyes as he ran into the harsh winds.

It wasn’t about Tyler, not really, it was about himself. It was about his desires. It was about the fact he could see Tyler was a sinner until he looked into his eyes and his heart skipped a beat and suddenly nothing else mattered. That simple interaction, that simple relationship was the true reason behind Josh’s overwhelming urge to run into the traffic beside him.

He was in love with a man. He was having homosexual thoughts, and no matter how hard he’d punished himself as a teen, how hard he’d pray for them to go away, they were growing in intensity and it was terrifying.

Eternal damnation as punishment for love - how could that be right? Questioning his Lord - how could he justify that? How was it supposed to be juggled, how was he supposed to accept the word of his Lord without questioning when it made him question everything he’d known for the last 5 years with Tyler? Either he had to reject his faith, or reject Tyler, and he wasn’t sure he could survive without them both.

It was like trying to accept that a shape was both square and circle simultaneously, he was so sure and so certain that each option was correct, and yet it simply couldn’t be. One had to be right and one had to be wrong, co-existence was impossible, either he listened to God, the all powerful all knowing God who had given him life and so much complex joy, or he loved Tyler. He couldn’t do both. But how did he choose between devoting himself totally to the Bible that inspired his parents to abuse him whilst also giving him the strength to grow and overcome those challenges, verses short term love that came hand in hand with the possibility of never ending torture in the afterlife.

There seemed to be no winning.

He’d tried to reject God before. It hadn’t been for Tyler’s sake, it had been out of anger for He had taken Debby before her time, He had snatched her at 18, before her life had even begun, and Josh couldn’t stand to go along with that. For his whole life he’d been told that God had a plan, but he didn’t want to be believe that any god would be so cruel as to strike down his only friend, his best friend, and leave him so utterly desecrated.

Josh lost faith in the idea that somebody was up there, looking after him. In his short life he had seen so much pain and suffering, not just within his household but now also in Tyler’s struggles with depression and self mutilation, and devastatingly Debby’s death in cold blood. If there was a god, they didn’t care about Josh, and so Josh tried to not care about them.

But he was too limited, no matter how hard he tried, he simply couldn’t expand his mind far enough to contemplate with any degree of gravity that there was just nothing and nobody out there. For weeks in Asia he had tried and tried to wrap his head around the idea that the universe had just appeared and life was controlled by only random mutations in code for no reason and no purpose. He believed the science, but he believed that the science was God’s will, and it was incomprehensible that beyond the biology was nothing. If there was no God, there was no purpose, and if there was no purpose then Josh didn’t understand why humanity were complicit in their own subjection to such widespread suffering. If nothing had any value, why bother?

The only answer to the human predicament that supplied Josh with any comfort was the existence of God, and so, in spite of his painful grieving process, Josh had been forced by his own need for purpose to let God back into his life, and that acceptance coincided with slight alleviation in his own suffering. He needed God.

If God existed, so did Jesus. If Jesus and the prophets were a ruse then Josh had no way of knowing the word of God, and if he had no conveyance of God’s will then it was equivalent to no religion at all, landing him in the same dark place as the human predicament. He needed Jesus to be real, he needed to know that God had sent his son down to Earth to teach the people, and he needed the Bible to teach him Jesus’s teachings.

Without it, his life, everybody’s lives, would be utterly pointless. It wouldn’t matter whether he felt lust for a man or not. Nothing would matter and living would be pointless. It just so happened that in giving Josh’s life purpose, God had also forbidden him the one thing, the one person, he desired more than anything.

Temptation was mentioned throughout the Bible, and Matthew 26:41 reads: Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

Perhaps it was all a test from Satan, Tyler was a temptation that he had to resist, just like Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. But just like them and the original sin, he had failed. He failed in any attempts at self control, Josh had failed God by fulfilling all his desires with a man, and he would be punished. Or maybe he’d be forgiven for his sins, like it is said in psalms 103:8, God is merciful and compassionate. Josh didn’t know, and it was sending his mind into overdrive.

Jesus had died for humanity’s sins. He had died for Josh’s sins. God, in His grace, had provided mankind with a way to cleanse their sins through the shedding of blood, Hebrews 9:22, and Jesus was gifted as the ultimate and final sacrifice, the perfect sacrifice for our sins, Colossians 1:22; 1 Peter 1:19. Through faith in Jesus’s sacrifice, salvation could be reached for all of mankind, including Josh.

Yes he had sinned, yes he’d given into temptation and sexual immorality, but there was hope in Jesus Christ.

The stumbling block for Josh was that to be forgiven, he had to first stop sinning. Thanks to Jesus taking his punishment for him, dying for him, Josh only had to ask God to forgive him, but he would never be blessed with the honour whilst continuing to sin. If only he could fall out of love with Tyler, his soul stood a chance of salvation, but falling out of love with Tyler seemed impossible.

And once again he was at an impasse. Once again he had to pick, God or Tyler, and once again he felt like his breaths were so restricted that he’d surely die.

He looked up to see that his feet had carried him in a loop around town and he now found himself at the end of the street that he lived on. Honestly the last person he wanted to see was Tyler, the love of his life, since being around him was a painful reminder of how strong his hold over him was and how impossible it seemed to break away. Part of him whispered to keep running, to just keep running and to not ever look back, but he’d done that before. He’d left Tyler for 10 months, and in those 10 months Josh’s feelings only grew stronger whilst Tyler’s mental health had disintegrated and his life had fallen apart, arguably beyond repair. He’d never truly be healthy again. Josh knew that a second attempt wouldn’t alter his own lust, and he refused to subject Tyler to that again.

So with damp cheeks and hyperventilating breaths, Josh made his way back into the building and back up the stairs, once again without reaction from his neighbour coming down, and over to his door. It hadn’t locked behind him, or maybe Tyler had put the latch on whilst he was out, but either way it opened when he pushed it.

“Josh,” Tyler immediately rushed towards the sound and met him in the entrance.  
“Don’t touch me,” Josh flinched away from him and instantly his face was filled with hurt. “Please, can you not touch me,”  
“I’m not, I, I won’t,” He recoiled his hands and held them awkwardly against his chest, like he didn’t know what to do with them if they weren’t attached to Josh.

“What’s going on? What’s happening? What’s wrong?”  
“Nothing, I’m fine,” Josh’s legs were shaky and weak but he forced them to move forward, to take him to the kitchen where he could wash his face and have a drink and try to calm down so he no longer felt quite so drastic about his hopeless situation.

“Why are you lying to me?”  
“Maddy, you, uh, I need you to take your brother home.” He told the girl sat at the table with the sewing machine, who had an expression hauntingly similar to Tyler’s.  
“Josh please! I’m not leaving you in this state, tell me what’s happening.”  
“Can you take him please? He’s getting hysterical.”  
“I’m not hysterical I’m worried, and scared, and I want to help you, but I can’t if I don’t even know what’s going on.”  
“I already said Tyler! A paper!”

“Babe, no paper is worth this much stress, I mean look at you, you’re a crying mess. Can’t you just email your professor? Ask for an extension or something?” Maddy believed his lie at face value, but Tyler knew better.

“Is it something to do with your parents?”  
“Everything is to do with my parents! Everything! All that I am is because of them, all that I say, all that I do, all that I think is because of them Tyler! And that will never change! They raised me, everything I know is because of them, they taught me everything and no matter how hard I try to scour their influence from my existence, it’s futile because I am them, they’re literally in my DNA, I am them, okay?! I am them! I can’t separate myself from their lens because it’s embodied and entwined into my very soul, and as desperate as I am to escape their control, the only way is to kill myself and frankly I’m not willing to give them the satisfaction.” Josh spat feverishly. “So yes, this is to do with my parents, but so is everything else in my life.”

“I should go.” Madison looked frightened as she stood up. “Tyler, you should come with me.”  
“What?? No,” Tyler was stubborn as he resisted her, “he needs me.”  
“He needs space to calm down, and we both need you to be safe. Come on, you know you don’t handle this kind of thing well.”  
“I’m not leaving.”  
“I don’t want you here.” Josh mumbled bitterly as he filled a glass up with tap water and downed it straight away.

“Did I do something wrong Josh?” Tyler asked innocently and he felt a pang deep in his heart. He knew what he was doing was wrong. He knew he shouldn’t be pushing away the person who cared so purely about him, but he needed time to figure out how to quieten the storm in his head and Tyler would only go if he was pushed.

“You? Do something wrong? This isn’t about you Tyler, not everything is about you. For once can I have something in my life that doesn’t revolve around you?!”

“Let’s go Ty, he’s lashing out, let’s just leave.” Maddy tried to lead her brother, reaching out for his hand, but Tyler snatched it back.  
“No. He wouldn’t leave me, he never leaves me,”  
“Because you need me! I don’t need you! Just leave me ALONE!”

Josh didn’t shout, not ever. It reminded him too much of his parents, it reminded him too much of his pastor, it reminded him too much of screaming his voice painfully raw after the doctor told him Debby hadn’t pulled though. Aggression was never necessary, no matter the circumstance, no matter the excuse, aggression was never necessary, and anybody who knew Josh knew he held that opinion. It might even have been the first time he’d raised his voice in front of the siblings, which would explain their terrified stares.

“Josh I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you don’t talk to my brother like that.” Maddy tried to stand up to him. “He’s vulnerable, but you know what, even if he wasn’t, he’s also a human being, and I don’t think I’m asking too much when I demand respect for him. You’re stressed over a paper, or whatever this is, but that doesn’t give you the right to take it out on others.”

He tried to keep to his line of fire up, continuing pushing Tyler away, but his sinful lust was dominating his thoughts and he couldn’t help but feel guilty as he watched his boyfriend’s face flicker as he attempted to stay calm and safe in spite of the cruelty Josh had inflicted on him.

“Sorry,” he whispered to the floor.  
“It’s okay, whatever’s going on, we’ll figure it out, yeah? Because that’s what we do, you n me, we figure it out together.” Tyler was suddenly right by his side, and reached out to stroke him but immediately Josh jumped backwards, not ready to be physically reminded of his sin. “Sorry, sorry, I forgot, no more touching I promise.”

“I’m gonna go sit in my car. Ty, come meet me if he starts yelling again? I don’t want you getting freaked out and having an episode.” Maddy said.  
“It’s a Friday, I sleep here on Fridays.”  
“I know, but if he’s not in the right place to be caring for you and making sure you’re okay then it wouldn’t be safe for you to stay. Just, be sensible? Okay?”  
“Okay,” Tyler nodded, and so Maddy picked up her bag, stuffed her cardigan in it, then left the room.

Josh and Tyler stood in silence until they heard the front door close.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”  
“No.” Josh sniffed immediately. “I don’t want to talk to you at all.”  
“If we don’t talk then how am I supposed to try and help?”  
“So when you asked me if I wanted to, you didn’t mean it as a question, you really meant it as a demand.”  
“No no, it’s ultimately your decision, and I respect that, I just-“  
“Just don’t respect it.” He scoffed. “You know what you think is best, and you’re gonna enforce that on me.”  
“I’m not.”  
“Good, we’re in agreement then. Get out of my house.” Josh walked away and gestured to the door.

“Josh,”  
“What??!”  
“Let me in. Please, whatever’s going on, I’m not going to be scared off, I just want to know what I can do to help you, and if there’s nothing I can help with then at least I can support you. Please, let me in.”  
“I already let you in, that’s the problem Tyler.”  
“What do you mean?” He frowned.  
“I mean you ruined my life!”

Tyler didn’t say anything, he didn’t react, he just stood frozen, eyes on Josh.

Josh didn’t know whether to open the vault. He didn’t want to upset Tyler, but deep down he needed the man to appreciate the havoc he had caused.

“Because of you, I lost my family.”  
“Your abusive family.”  
“My mother liked to discipline me, I’ll admit she used techniques that I didn’t appreciate, and I’m not condoning that, but she was trying to save my soul. She was trying to help me Tyler. I lost her, I lost my dad, Ty I lost my little brother and my little sisters.”  
“She hurt you.”  
“And now she hurts them because I’m not there to protect them and teach them.” Josh was shaking. “Imagine I did that to you. Imagine I took your family away from you.”  
“It’s not the same.”  
“Because you love your family, and you decided that I’m not allowed to love mine.”

“I, I, I didn’t decide that, they threw you out Josh. That was their decision.”  
“They threw me out because of your lust.”  
“My lust? Josh, we were in a relationship. Both of us.”  
“You kissed me in the first place! You kissed me whilst I was in a relationship with Debby. You turned me into a whore.”  
“Why do I have to take all the blame? We were in love - we still are Josh.”  
“Not to begin with, no, you kissed me, you forced yourself onto me, you injected your sin into me and it festered.”  
“Sin.” Tyler echoed the word. “Don’t call love sin.”

“It wasn’t just my life, it was Debby’s too. We were best friends since birth, our entire lives, and then you turn up and get in between our perfect partnership, and you ruined it Tyler! You ruined it! Her last months on Earth were spent alone, watching her boyfriend be consumed by the sin that you turned me to.”

Tyler started to cry. Not to sob, not to choke, not to hack, just silent tears falling down his pale cheeks.

“I loved her.”  
“No Tyler, no, I loved her.” Josh shook his head violently. “You liked the way she treated you, you didn’t love her. If you loved her, you wouldn’t have kissed her boyfriend.”  
“You kissed back!”  
“I DIDN’T!” Josh screamed before turning his back to him.

“I don’t understand Josh, even after all these years, why do you still deny it? I get it, back when we were kids, I get that you struggled with accepting you’re not straight. But now? Josh you’re out! We’re together! Why can’t you admit that you liked me back then too?!”  
“Because I still don’t accept it Tyler! I still don’t!” He revealed, spinning round to glare at him.

“I can’t, no, I can’t be bisexual, I can’t have homosexual desires, I can’t. It’s not right Tyler.”  
“I didn’t know you were having these thoughts again.”  
“The sin, it’s uh, it’s been clouding my vision recently, but God removed the blindness whilst I was looking at the Pride pictures.”  
“Pride, right, should’ve known you weren’t ready. I’m sorry.” Tyler whispered whilst mopping his face.  
“Pride? What’s there to be proud about? Going against God, turning to sin, that’s not something to be proud of.”

He saw as Tyler’s face crinkled up, then settled again. He was fending off a wave of sobs.

“I get it Josh,”  
“No you don’t.”  
“Of course I do, I’m gay in case you hadn’t noticed.”  
“That doesn’t mean you understand Tyler!” Josh exclaimed. “I acknowledge that you have been through a lot, seen and experienced vast amounts of pain, but that does not entitle you to claim that you understand all pain. I don’t ever say that I get how it feels so be mentally ill, so please don’t think you have the right to say you get how it feels to be me.”  
“I know I’m not entitled to anyone’s pain but my own, I know that Josh, but I’m trying to explain that I’ve dealt with my own homophobia too, internalised and externalised.”  
“You’re joking right??”  
“No,”

“Tyler, you had the easiest coming out experience of all time.”  
“My dad-“  
“Your dad called it ‘the gay thing’ until you asked him to stop, and he once made a joke about you needing a girlfriend. That was it.” Josh recalled viciously. “You have never had to ask yourself whether your parents’ love is conditional. I did.”

“Just because coming out was, um, I mean it wasn’t easy, but just because it was a fairly smooth experience, doesn’t mean I found the whole process a dream. Before I told anyone, I hated myself.”  
“You’ve hated yourself your whole life Ty,”  
“Please don’t say that so flippantly Josh.”  
“Sorry but it’s true. You cut, you cried, you obeyed your compulsions, and you questioned your purpose. That was what you’ve always said, don’t now decide it was because of your homosexuality as some sick way of trying to relate to me.”  
“That’s not what I’m doing! It’s true! I wrestled with it for months before I confessed to my parents.” Tyler insisted.

“And anyway, what would be so bad about me relating to you Josh? What would be so bad about us having some common ground?”  
“Because you’re so much better at this than I am Tyler! You are gay and you are okay with that! You accept that it’s a part of you and carry on with your life, meanwhile it’s tearing me up inside, trying to pick between God and you, and, and seeing you cope so well, it makes me feel like a failure, okay? I feel like a failure.” Josh uttered the last word just in time before his voice was stolen from him by the sobs that had almost taken Tyler a moment ago. They seized a tight grip on his throat, stopping him breathing, making him gasp hyperventilating breaths as though he was drowning, incapable of coming up for air.

“Can I touch you?” Tyler walked closer. “Two men hugging isn’t a sin in the Bible.”  
“It is w-with imp-p-pure h-hea-hearts!”  
“My heart is pure with love, but I’m not gonna touch you if that’s not what you want. What I will do is talk you through a breathing exercise of mine if you think it will help?”  
“P-pl-le-lease,”  
“Sure, the key is really deep breaths, right down to the bottom of your lungs - try to use your belly. Breathe in though your nose and out through your mouth, in for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, and out for 5 seconds. Can you try that?”  
“Y-y-yeah,” Josh hiccuped, Tyler’s eyes fixed on his, even through the snotty tears.  
“In, good, hold, good, and out, good. Repeat. In, hold, out. Slower Josh, much much slower. In 2 3 4 5. Hold 2 3 4 5. Out 2 3 4 5. And again. In, hold, out. That’s it, you’ve got it, just keep up that rhythm.” He talked him through the process that Josh had explained countless times.

Whenever Tyler couldn’t stick to the rhythm, Josh struggled to truly understand why not. After all a count of 5 didn’t seem that long. But now, with the shoe on the other foot, Josh couldn’t seem to get on top of his gasps no matter how hard he tried, and he understood for maybe the first time that breathing wasn’t as easy as it sounded.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, and obviously my priority is getting you calm, but you’re not a failure Josh.”  
“I a-am.”  
“No you’re not. Battling with your sexuality doesn’t make you a failure, it makes you conflicted, but that’s something that can be resolved over time.”  
“I’ve f-f-fai-failed y-you,”  
“No you haven’t.” Tyler shook his head.  
“I h-ha-ave!”  
“You have not done anything of the sort. Just breathe, okay? Deep breaths.”  
“If n-n-not you, G-God. I’ve f-fai-failed God.”

Tyler didn’t say anything, just stood with him as he panicked, watching with a concerned pity that Josh knew must glaze his eyes when the roles were reversed. Next time Tyler had a panic attack, he’d try harder not to pity him he decided.

“Josh, do you think God hates me? Because I’m a homosexual? Be honest with me.”  
“The Bible-“  
“Not the Bible, God.”  
“The B-Bibl-le is the W-W-Word of G-od, to, to dism-m-miss i-it is to di-ismiss G-God.”  
“I feel, for me at least, as someone who has struggled with faith for a long time, perhaps independently of my sexuality, perhaps as a result, that God and religion are separate things. Religion is the idea that you should pray a certain way, and take communion, and be baptised, and all these other rules that attempt to shape your lifestyle and promote this idea that you have to earn God’s love, whereas God is pure unconditional love. God loves everyone, not just those to dress up nicely on Sundays, He loves everyone.”

Tyler speaking about faith was similar to listening to a blind man describing colour. He didn’t understand, not really, but there was beauty in the attempt that Josh didn’t want to interrupt.

“And maybe you disagree, but I think the Bible is the gateway between God and religion. It teaches us so much about the Lord, but it does so through the interpretations of His chosen followers. So because the Bible was written by people, by Moses, and David, and apostles like Paul, and Peter, and, and all the others, because of that, it is also subject to our interpretation too. Certain things, certain phrases and verses, they’ve been altered by the human mind as they transitioned from God’s words to lines of writing on paper, perhaps meanings changed a little, and with that in mind I feel I have the parameters to also take the words with a pinch of salt. I separate God from the author, and in doing so I free myself to reject false claims, such as the claim that God condemns me for loving a man when in actuality I know he created me like this on purpose, and loves me.”

“The Bible is G-God’s W-Word.”  
“It’s the work of humans Josh - how did God write a book?”  
“The authors were His sc-scri-ibes.”  
“Scribes with opinions and personalities that affected how they told His stories.”  
“It’s His word! Stop!”  
“Sorry, okay, I’ll stop.” Tyler conceded with a nod. “I’m trying to help, and I’m sorry if I’ve done the opposite.”

Josh didn’t know what he wanted Tyler to do, or say. He wanted to be calmed down and he wanted to relax and he wanted to not have to contemplate his immortal soul enduring eternal suffering, but he couldn’t decide. Tyler, or God?

“I don’t know the Bible as intimately as you, I can’t even recall a single verse I don’t think, but I do know that a lot of things have changed. Even the most loyal of literalists don’t abide by all the things that were once called sin, like, uh, I can’t remember lots, but shaving your beard was one, right? And neither of us have beards.”  
“I-it, it’s completely d-diff-different!”  
“Why?”  
“B-bec-cau-ause m-my s-soul is c-corrupt-ted Ty-yler!”  
“Your soul is not corrupted.”  
“It i-i-is-s,” Josh wept.

“You’ve been doing so well Josh, so so well, and I feel awful that I overestimated how comfortable you are and pushed you into all my Pride plans, I’m so sorry baby,” Tyler was whispering and Josh could barely hear him over his whimpers, but the word baby stood out like a knife in his gut. “You don’t have to come, okay? If you’re not ready, you don’t have to come, you never have to do anything you don’t want to. You always treat me with that mentality and I’m sorry I couldn’t do you the same courtesy, but I want to fix this. I want to undo all these thoughts you’re having, but I don’t know how.”

“I, I, I, I n-n-nee-eed-d y-you to l-l-le-ea-eave.”  
“You want me to leave? I can sit next door if you don’t feel comfortable being around me right now, but I can’t leave. I’m worried you’ll hurt yourself Josh.”  
“Go!”  
“Josh, I can’t. This is the exact reason you used to practice self-flagellation, days when you said these kinds of things were followed by the days when you couldn’t sit back in your chair at school because your back was so raw. I know you haven’t done that to yourself in a long time, but that’s not a good enough reason for me to trust you.”

“L-l-le-ea-eave,” Josh pleaded again, skin squirming and burning.  
“Do you want me to leave because you want to be alone? Or because I’m a homo and you’re not in the right mindset to be around me.”  
“Bo-o-oth-th!”  
“You never leave me when I’m a risk to myself, I’m not g-“  
“Because y-you m-m-mu-u-utilate God’s g-gif-gift to you, I m-mo-ortify my f-fl-lesh to r-rid me of s-si-sin!”  
“It’s the same thing Josh!” Tyler was getting frustrated but Josh was getting desperate. “You taught me that hurting myself is bad and something I shouldn’t do, so I fought really hard and now I’ve stopped; don’t now turn that on its head and tell me it’s okay to self harm as long as you’re doing it for God. No Josh, no, that’s not okay.”

Through his tear clouded vision Josh could see Tyler tearing up, which was the last thing he wanted. Even though every logical fibre of his body was screaming to cleanse himself of the sinning homosexual, his heart was breaking for his love.

“Josh. Josh! Where are you going?!” Tyler cried after him, following a few paces behind as he stormed to his room and found his phone connected to the wall by a charging cable. “Josh talk to me,” he unlocked the device and scrolled through his recent contacts, barely able to make out the blurry words, but eventually he found what he was looking for and thrust the device into Tyler’s hands then paced the length of his wall back and forth.

“Jesse? What, would you like me to call him for you or something?” Tyler tried to guess, tried to catch on.  
“T-t-tell h-him to c-come w-watch me, then l-le-eave. I d-d-don’t w-want you h-he-here.”  
“I’ll call him, I’ll tell him you’re worked up, ask him to come back quicker. If he can, I’ll wait till he’s here then I’ll leave. If he can’t get back anytime soon, I’m going to stay with you Josh. I know you’re distressed, I know my very being is distressing for you, but I can’t leave you here to beat yourself. I’m going to call him, okay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Split this fic in two, take a breather if you need <3 xx


	2. Chapter 2

Josh woke up with a thumping headache in an unfamiliar room. After a few groggy blinks and the distinctive smell of hairspray wafting over to him, he realised he was in Jesse’s bedroom and the events of the previous night came flooding back to him.

Andrew and Jesse raced home from their afternoon golfing adventures and Tyler scuttled off to his sister in the parking lot, leaving them to try and understand the situation. Of course they couldn’t understand, not truly, for a while they tried to feed him the lies he had seen on tumblr about God accepting people of all sexualities, but eventually he got so hysterical that they gave up the verbal method and resorted to physically restraining him to stop his attempts to hurt himself.

His first attempts had been of good-heart, trying to atone for his sins through his suffering, just like how he’d been taught, but he was scared to admit that he quickly slipped into hitting himself out of pure hopelessness over the situation. He realised he didn’t have the choice not to choose, either it was God or it was Tyler, not even suicide would save him if his soul went to Hell before he could show remorse, and that pressure found some release when he attacked his own body. It was not a good coping method, but it delayed the inevitable decision he had to make, and wore him out.

Once he finally burned through all his energy, the two roommates stopped restraining him and instead he was bundled into the shower. Jesse wanted to watch, just to ensure he was safe, but Josh was horrified at the idea of another whore preying on him when he was weak, and so Jesse faced the opposite wall the entire time. Or so he claimed.

When it came to what to do next, sleep was proposed and initially Josh protested, knowing he had far too much on his mind to be able to sleep. He had potentially the biggest decision he’d ever have to make in his life to ponder, Tyler or God, and sleep seemed like a ludicrous and foolish idea. Although that being said, he couldn’t remember anytime spent staring at the ceiling the previous evening, he was fairly sure he passed out almost as soon as his head hit Jesse’s pillow.

The flatmate had become a roommate as Jesse slept on the couch he had in his room, and when Josh woke up, his friend was playing on his phone and completely unaware.

His first thought was that the man whose bed he was in was a sick pervert and had no doubt assaulted him overnight, however a second voice appeared in Josh’s mind, one that had been missing yesterday - logic.

Of course Jesse hadn’t committed such a horrific offence, he was Josh’s friend, arguably his best friend, and he loved him purely. They’d gone to high school together, he knew about the beatings because they shared a locker room, he knew about Debby because they had been wonderfully close friends, and he knew about Tyler because he’d been in their AP biology class too, and he’d been in Columbus for his breakdown. Jesse knew a lot of what Josh had seen and experienced, that wasn’t to say he had perfect insight, but he was trustworthy.

“Morning. You feeling a little better today?” Jesse caught his eye and smiled.  
“Sorry you had to sleep on the couch.” His voice was rough and deep.  
“That’s more than okay, as long as you got a good night of rest to set you up for a better day today then that’s all the matters.”

“Where’s Tyler?” Josh knew he was avoiding Jesse’s questions about where he was at, but that was only because he didn’t have a clue what the answer was.  
“You sent him away, I’m presuming he’s at his mom’s.”  
“Right.”  
“If you wanna calmly talk things through with him then I’ll give you a ride after some breakfast, but if you want to go for round 2 and try and upset him again then I think it’s probably for the best that we keep you two apart.”

“Was he upset?”  
“He tweeted at 3am that, quote, some things never leave people, bad memories are like napalm. Not sure what he was referencing-“  
“My parents. What they did never leaves me.” He knew straight away.  
“Perhaps.” Jesse shrugged casually as Josh rubbed his eyes.

“What happened Josh? Yesterday. What happened, I haven’t seen you like that before. Was it an anniversary of something traumatic or something?”  
“Today’s Columbus Pride.”  
“That’s the trauma?”  
“That’s the trigger.” He whispered in reply.

“You don’t have to do anything you’re not feeling ready for. If you don’t wanna prance around covered in rainbows and glitter then that’s alright, Tyler can’t make you.”  
“It’s not, it’s not prancing around, it’s supposed to be empowering and strengthening and make the community feel united and powerful and loved. I get why Tyler wants to go.”  
“But...?”  
“But I, I don’t feel confident enough to be that open about a part of me I despise.”  
“You despise being gay?”  
“Bisexual, yeah.” He nodded against his pillow.

“You and Tyler seem so happy though,”  
“We are, I love him, really I do, I just, it would be so much easier if he was a girl.”  
“Transgender??”  
“No no, I don’t mean literally, I just, I, I love him, but if the same person, same characteristics and opinions and everything else that makes him who he is could be transferred to a girl then it would be perfect.”  
“Everything that makes him who he is - that includes his gender Josh. You love him for who he is, and no matter how much you tell yourself otherwise, that includes that he is a man and he is gay. If he was a straight woman then he’d be someone completely different. But anyway, this is purely hypothetical because the fact of the matter is that he’s a dude that you’re in love with.”

“What should I do Jesse?” Josh sighed deeply.  
“Text him, tell him you don’t feel ready for Pride this year.”  
“Not about the parade, I mean about Tyler.”  
“I don’t understand.”  
“I have to leave him.”  
“Wait, what? Why??” He panicked a little, sitting up on the couch in shock.  
“You know why! He’s a man!”  
“Josh you’ve been dating for yea-“  
“So?! Makes the crime worse!”  
“It’s not a crime, hasn’t been for 30 years,”  
“It’s been a sin since God created the world!”

“Love isn’t a sin.”  
“He said the same thing! But you’re wrong! You’re both wrong! Lots of love is a sin - adultery, fornication, incest, nonconsensual,”  
“Josh this isn’t rape or incest, this is innocent and beautiful love-“  
“How do you know that rapists don’t think the same thing?? How am I to know that I’m better than a rapist??”  
“You’re upsetting yourself now, come on, calm down. You’re in a loving consensual relationship with an amazing guy that God blessed you with,”  
“It wasn’t God, it was Satan. It’s temptation, and I fell for it.”  
“You think Tyler came from Satan? Josh, listen to yourself, that’s your boy you’re talking about, that’s your man.” Jesse tried to settle him, but in actuality the gendered words were only salting the throbbing wounds.

“Imagine if somebody else spoke about Ty like that, imagine if I said he was sent by Satan, then what would you do?”  
“Agree with you,” Josh mumbled.  
“That’s BS Josh, you defend and protect him constantly, there’s no way you’d let me get away with that, and there’s also no way you seriously believe it yourself. You’re lying Josh, you’re lying to yourself.”  
“I’m not.”  
“It’s like you’re saying these things because you know that’s what your parents would want you to say, but I know it’s not what you truly think-“  
“How do you know what I’m thinking when I don’t even know myself?!” Josh snapped.

“I wish everyone would just stop telling me what I’m supposed to think and how I’m supposed to feel. That’s not up to you. If I feel a certain way, you have no right to tell me otherwise.”  
“No I know.” Jesse nodded calmly. “You’re entitled to your beliefs, I’m simply offering up another perspective.”  
“One that goes against God and my faith.”  
“One that supports the relationship that has brought you so much joy, and is also supported by God, for He loves all His children Josh, straight or not.”  
“It’s a sin.”  
“No it’s not.”  
“It is! I can’t ignore part of the Bible just because it’s not convenient!”

“Being with Tyler makes you so happy Josh, you’re forgetting that I lived with you when he was hospitalised and you weren’t allowed to see him, I saw the depression turn you into this numb shell of emptiness who wished his life away, and then I saw the effect it had on you once he was well enough to go home and have you visit. I’ve watched as you two got back together and your entire life changed for the better - you act like a man with purpose now, someone who wants to be alive and enjoys his days, rather than the recluse you’d become without him. He makes you happy, why would God not want you to be happy?”

“Because I’m a bad person.” Josh whispered silently.  
“I didn’t hear, pardon?”  
“Because I’m a bad person! Okay?!”  
“Josh you’re not a bad person,”  
“Why else does all of this happen to me?! What other explanation is there for the fact I was abused for 18 years, my boyfriend was nearly killed by my parents, my best friend died in car accident. She died Jesse. And then Tyler got sick and I was alone, and, a-and,”  
“Alright, alright, can I come sit with you?” He hurried over to join him in the bed as he started to cry. The last thing Josh wanted to do was start crying all over again, but his fragile front was easily pierced and the flood waters were unleashed.

“I know you need Him, God, I know you need Him in your life. I appreciate that it makes you feel comforted to know that Debby’s in Heaven, and I know it made you feel less alone to know that you had Jesus in your heart, but you can’t let His influence over your life change. He’s an almighty power and He should fill you with hope, and optimism, and joy, not make you question whether you’re allowed to love the man you love. He’s kept you strong for so long, don’t let overthinking God now be the cause of your downfall.”

“W-why Je-Jesse? We were n-never a-allow-wed to ask w-why, but w-why d-di-did G-God le-e-et th-them hit u-us?”  
“I don’t know Josh, I really don’t know. It’s not fair. Maybe He thought there was a lesson to be learned, maybe it was part of a wider plan and maybe you’re fulfilling that plan by distancing yourself and starting afresh. I don’t know why, but I do believe it was ultimately for a positive reason. Your experiences shape you, they’ve helped make you the man you are today.” His words washed over Josh, who knew in reality that nobody would ever have the answers, but instead he was focussed on the way Jesse tried to comfort him, tried to reach out and touch him, tried to hold him. He resisted.

“Sometimes bad things happen for no reason, and I wish I could change what’s happened to you, but you can’t deny that all those horrible events have lead you to a good place. You and Tyler, you’re good together Josh, really good.”  
“And we c-could ha-ave b-be-en g-good w-without D-De-ebby dy-ing, w-without my p-parents b-be-beating m-me!”  
“Maybe, but that’s hypothetical, you can’t know for sure. What you do know is that your current set of circumstances have resulted in something beautiful between you and Tyler.”

Josh gulped shakily, trying his best to calm down, but everything was too much all at once.

“I l-love h-him.”  
“Tyler?”  
“So m-much,” he hugged his arms across his own chest protectively as his nose started to dribble.

“I’m gonna text him from your phone, alright? Tell him to come round so you can talk about this, because you love him and he loves you, and somehow you guys need to figure out a way to weave through the crap, because you need one another. Is that okay? To use your phone?”  
“Y-yeah,” Josh nodded, watching as Jesse unplugged it and typed in the password, 0112, Tyler’s birthday, before quickly forming a message.

Can you come over?

Immediately delivered turn to a read receipt, and Tyler’s 3 dots appeared as he wrote his answer.

Coming x  
  
“Tyler’s proof that you can overcome anything, think of everything he’s had to tackle in order to get where he is now. And you’ve been that inspiration for him to want to get better, so now it’s his turn to inspire you to win over these thoughts you’re having.”  
“I, I, I,”  
“Breathe Josh,”  
“I d-don’t w-want to u-ups-e-et him.”  
“I think there’s quite a high likelihood that this will upset him, just because he’s so empathetic and it’ll hurt him to see you like this-“  
“N-no! No, t-tell h-him n-n-not to co-come then! I d-don’t w-w-want him ge-e-etting u-upse-et.”  
“I’ll stay close by, and Andrew’s right next door, we’ll make sure he’s looked after and doesn’t get sick, we’ll keep him safe Josh, but that’s just a backup plan because you and I both know that when he’s focused and determined on something, like he will be on comforting you, then he doesn’t let his anxiety get on top of him. He’ll be okay.”

There was a knock on the front door of their home but Jesse ignored it.

“Won’t be him, he lives a 10 minute drive away.” He brushed it off. “You can’t let your fears of upsetting him stop you from talking to him, from being honest with him.”  
“It’s just,” Josh squeaked, “y-yest-ter-day I was so cr-cruel to h-him. I d-don’t l-like it wh-when I’m l-like that. I l-love him, I d-don’t w-want to b-be m-m-mean to him, the, the f-feelings j-just fl-flare up and I c-can’t s-stop them.”

“Josh? There’s someone here to see you,” Andrew called through the bedroom door.  
“Come in,” Jesse answered on his behalf and the door opened to reveal Tyler. “Oh, that was quick, hey bud.”  
“Yeah, my uh, I wanted to be here as soon as you were ready Josh, so my mom gave me a lift and we’ve been sat in the car outside for about an hour.” Tyler explained, eyes darting as he absorbed the situation. “Am I alright to come in? Or do you need a moment.”

Josh didn’t know what to say. Principally he was embarrassed, caught with tears and snot running down his face, whimpering as the three men awaited his response. But he was also riddled with confusion, and remorse, and a deep need to make things right again. He just didn’t know what ‘right’ was.

“I, um,” he tried his best to form words. “N-not here.”  
“You don’t want me in here?” Tyler asked innocently, acting as though it didn’t hurt him.  
“I, I, let’s, uh, c-ca-can we go s-somewhere?”  
“Yeah sure, we can take a walk, or my mom’s probably still outside if you want to go for a drive? Or we can just go to your room if that’s what you meant?”  
“Room,” Josh sniffed and Tyler smiled and nodded.  
“Course.”

Tyler hovered by the door as Josh clambered awkwardly off the bed, wiping his face with the bottom of his pyjama shirt and not caring it was getting covered in disgusting slime. They walked across the apartment together, Tyler giving him a comfortable bubble of personal space, leaving the two roommates behind.

Really it wasn’t Josh’s room, it was their shared room. Tyler lived with him from Thursday evening through till Monday morning, then he went back to stay with his mom whilst Josh went to school, but almost every single day they met up for lunch or Josh popped over to the Josephs’ for dinner or they found time to catch a movie in the evening. A day never went by without them seeing each other, and Tyler kept his favourite fluffy nightgown hanging on the back of Josh’s door.

“Do you want me to grab you a handful of tissues?” Tyler asked as Josh lowered himself onto his side of the bed.  
“P-pl-lease,”  
“Sure thing,” he popped out of the room and gave Josh the opportunity to take a series of deep breaths as he tried to prepare himself for the looming conversation, but it was impossible to prepare when he didn’t know what route things were going to take.

“Here you go babe,” Tyler came back with a half a dozen tissues from the box kept in the communal living area - a feature that Tyler had installed, the most domestic of the lads - and Josh quickly used 2 to clean himself up, tossing them in the bin and keeping a new one stuffed in his palm ready to mop up any new tears.

“Can I sit on the bed with you? Or would you prefer a little space?”  
“Come, ne-ext to m-me.” Josh patted the other side of the bed and his younger boyfriend took him up on the suggestion, laying next to him.

“Did you manage to get any sleep?”  
“Y-Yeh,”  
“Good, I’m glad. How about any harming? You manage to stay safe?”  
“Yeh,”  
“Well done,” he smiled a soft gentle but proud smile, a smile of relief, a smile of mutual understanding of the meaning of the triumph over the night.

“I’m s-s-so-or-r-ry-y T-Ty-y,”  
“Oh don’t be sorry, you’ve got nothing to apologise for Josh,”  
“I w-w-was r-r-u-ru-ude,”  
“My mom told me you were just trying to push me away to protect me from the nasty thoughts you’re having, and that’s okay babe,”  
“I-I-I d-did-didn’t m-mean i-it, I’m s-s-sorry,”  
“I forgive you, don’t worry, forgiven and forgotten.” Tyler’s voice was calm and soothing, but Josh couldn’t move on as easily as him. He still felt like there was a decision that needed to be made - him or God?

“Remember to take deep breaths Josh, or you’re gonna make yourself feel worse.”  
“I c-c-can’t,”  
“I won’t touch you if you’re not ready, but if you are then I can give you a hug?”  
“Y-y-ye-ye-yes pl-l-lea-ea-ease,”  
“Come here,” Tyler sighed, shuffling over and holding his arms open for Josh to slot right in, snuggling against Tyler’s flat but warm chest, messing up his t shirt but not caring as he felt the tight supportive embrace of the two arms squeezing him close, one hand playing with his hair as Tyler tucked his chin on top of Josh’s head.

“You’re okay, I’ve got you, you’re okay. It’s all getting on top of you right now, I know, but I promise that I’ll be here whilst you figure it out. We’ll figure it out together, okay? And if you need to lash out and push me away from time to time then that’s okay, because I’m not going anywhere. You never gave up on me, and I sure ain’t giving up on you. We’re too good together to let anything come between us, and the last thing we’re gonna let stop us is our own minds, alright?”

Josh found comfort in the deep vibrations of his boyfriend’s chest as he spoke, and nestled closer as his sobs boiled down to hiccuping splutters.

“It d-doesn’t f-fee-feel like my m-mind, it, it feels like G-God.”  
“It feels like God is trying to break us up?” Tyler asked for clarification, and Josh nodded against him. “It does feel like we’ve had some pretty big curveballs thrown our way, I know what you mean, but that’s actually God bringing us together. Every battle we have to face just brings us closer J. And I know it feels a bit backwards, having to go through difficult things to strengthen our relationship, but the truth is that the strongest couples are those who face not only the good but also the bad and the down right ugly together, and still manage to love one another at the end of the day. God’s giving us these challenges to show us the power we possess deep within us.”

“I, I, I, I,”  
“Slower,” Tyler whispered whilst rubbing his back in a deep circle.  
“I w-want, I, I, I d-don’t w-want to l-lo-lose e-ei-either of you, I d-don’t w-want to ch-cho-choose.”  
“Choose between what babe?”  
“G-G-Go-o-od,”  
“And me?” His boyfriend sighed, quickly kissing him on the top of his head then holding him close again. “You don’t have to choose, you have to open your mind to the possibility that God loves and supports this relationship - it’s a part of His plan for you, it’s His will, okay Josh? He brought us together, not corruption, not temptation, not Satan,” he hesitated with the name of the devil.

“It was God, and maybe you don’t understand why, maybe a part of you wishes He had continued your path with Debby for longer, but you need to remember that we have to trust Him to make the right decisions for us. There’s that verse you like, how does it go, about God being trustworthy and we shouldn’t think we know better?”  
“Tr-trust in th-the L-ord with a-all y-your he-eart and lean n-not on y-your o-own unders-stand-ding.”  
“Yeah that’s the one,”  
“But the- the n-next line i-is in all y-your w-ways subm-mit to Him a-and He w-will m-make your p-paths str-straight.”

Tyler sighed as he stroked Josh softly with his thumb.

“Josh you know it doesn’t mean straight as in sexuality. You know that.”  
“Wh-what does it m-m-mean then?”  
“It means He’ll show you the right way, and-“  
“So stra-aight is r-ri-right!” Josh exclaimed.  
“No, that’s not what I’m saying,”  
“You s-said it!”  
“Josh, please, don’t overanalyse every word, you know these things are translated and reinterpreted and altered all the time, and when the words were written straight didn’t mean what straight means today. It’s not saying God will make you straight if you submit to Him, it’s saying He’ll bring you happiness. You submitted to him and he brought you me.”

Still deep inside him there was an aching pain, deeper than his exhausted hyperventilating chest and stabbing sensations in his temples. It was an urge to retreat, to recede back to what he knew, to retract from outside of his comfort zone and to return to the familiar comforts of the Holy Book and his mother’s harsh hand.

With her there were rules, clear rules with clear definitions of what was wrong and what was right. If he did something wrong, he was punished, if he did something right, he was not. He constantly received a stream of feedback from her, there was never any hesitation or grey areas or room for debate. His life with the Duns had been clean cut, and, in many ways, simple. It never crossed his mind that he could ever have the freedom to make decisions for himself, and when they were as painful as this, he didn’t want the supposed liberty. A small part of him wanted his mom to take him back and tell him the right answer, tell him what to do, rather than the nauseating back and forth as his mind tried to find the answers that kept alluding him. He didn’t know what was right and what was wrong anymore, and it was suffocating him.

“Talk to me babe, tell me what you’re thinking.”  
“I, I, I m-miss my m-mom,”

He could physically feel as Tyler held his tongue.

“I was thinking, a lot, last night about what you said, you know, about me deciding you’re not allowed to love your family. I was in the wrong and out of line, and I’m sorry. I have an amazing mom, she is my hero, my idea of a perfect mother, and I love her endlessly, but that doesn’t give me any right to tell others what their relationships should be with their own parents. I don’t understand it, what you went through, and rather than wanting to learn more, I instead let my ignorance dictate my view and I drew the cut and dry conclusion that you should hate them because they hurt you. I’ve decided to try and become more aware of the complexity of the dynamics, and maybe one day you could help educate me - only if you want to - because I genuinely do want to learn Josh. I want to understand.”

Initially Josh didn’t know how to respond, but the words started spilling before his mind could process what he was saying.

“You, y-you, you h-hurt pe-people.”  
“Yes I did.” Tyler acknowledged that part of his past without pausing.  
“A-and y-y-yo-your family forg-gave y-you.”  
“Yes they did.”  
“Wh-why’s i-it a-a-any different? Why am I n-not a-a-allow-wed to forg-give th-em for hurt-ting m-me?”  
“Well it’s different because I was unwell, I wasn’t in control of my actions, but-“  
“You w-were high a-and dr-drun-nk, which y-you ch-chose to do to y-yours-self,”  
“I wasn’t aware what I was doing to myself, I was psychotic, but you know that Josh.” His boyfriend spoke slowly and patiently. “I hadn’t finished though darling, you don’t need to start getting defensive; what I was saying about it being different because I was sick was then going to be bookended by me saying that you’re still allowed to forgive them. If that is something you truly feel able to do then I commend you, and of course you’re allowed to forgive them.”

Josh tried harder to think before he started to speak that time, but thinking was a mistake. Thinking took him right back to his house, not the basement where he bled, or the kitchen where he cooked, or the front room where he prayed, but to Jordan’s bedroom. The memory that seized control was the first time he ever considered purposefully defying his parents - the first time he ever considered calling an ambulance.

Jordan had taken a bad beating. He had always been the least conforming of the 4 Dun children, and had been sent away to 3 different correction camps already to try and fix his behaviour, but still he had bad habits. Still he wouldn’t bow his head deep enough when they took grace, and often forgot to tuck his shirt in before church, and sometimes even dared to protest when he felt things were unfair. It never ended well. Usually Josh looked away and prayed for the punishment to be effective and for him to learn the errors of his ways, but that evening Josh had caught sight of a shape out of the corner of his eye whilst going to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

At first Josh was suspicious because he had been almost certain that his mom had locked the younger of the two brothers in the basement following the episode of cleansing, and so he entered Jordan’s room to investigate. What he found was his brother laying on the floor in what looked like a self imposed recovery position, blood thick in his hair and a patch of vomit by his face. Josh remembered crouching by his side and whispering quietly why he wasn’t downstairs, to which Jordan replied that he’d been knocked out and had some kind of convulsing seizing episode, and so Dad had overruled Mom and allowed him the mercy of going up to his room. He’d collapsed as soon as he had climbed up the stairs and staggered in, and hadn’t been able to move since.

In the end Josh didn’t call an ambulance, Jordan begging him not to eventually persuading him otherwise. The issue with ambulances was the questions from those who followed safeguarding protocols rather than The Lord, and Josh knew better than to risk his family being torn apart by heathens. Instead he did his best to look after Jordan himself, trying to remember what he had learnt about concussion in his first aid course he had taken as an extra curricular activity for just this purpose. He couldn’t do much except clean him up, give him water, and watch him sleep. But the memory stayed with him forevermore.

“Oh baby, we don’t have to talk about them if you don’t feel ready,” Tyler murmured as Josh’s sobs somehow intensified further, restricting any oxygen from entering his screaming lungs, but he was a slave to the hyperventilation as his boyfriend shushed him gently. “Josh, baby, I’m sorry. We don’t have to discuss them, I’m sorry, just try to breathe for me, okay? Try and breathe, in and out.”

He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe.

“You’re gonna make yourself throw up Josh, please, deep breaths. Are you having some kind of flashback? Has this happened before?” Tyler was asking too many questions. “Sit up baby, let’s sit you up, you need to breathe.”

Tyler did all the work, scooting so he himself was sat up in the bed first, then forcefully propping Josh’s rigid body up too and holding him by his biceps, then rubbing deep circles into his back with his palm. He wanted to breathe but he couldn’t. He couldn’t breathe.

“Josh you’re scaring me, you need to calm down. Please baby, I can count a rhythm for you if you need some guidance, but you need to try,”

His hands were going tingly and numb and his choking and spluttering was getting worse as he wheezed hysterically.

“Alright - ANDREW? ANDREW! JESSE! SOMETHING’S HAPPENING!” Tyler cried out for assistance and the two boys came bundling into the room in no time at all.

“What’s going on? Is he choking on something?” Jesse frowned as Andrew climbed up onto their bed too, reaching out and holding Josh’s head up with a hand under his jaw, trying to make eye contact.  
“No, I, I don’t know, it might, it might be a bad panic attack? Or a flashback? We were talking about his parents.”  
“Oh, right,”  
“Has this happened before? When I was in the hospital or something? I’m scared,” Tyler asked squeakily, fear lacing his voice.  
“He got panic attacks yeah, still does, but you know that. Dunno about flashbacks though. Josh, bud, stop being a ninny and scaring your boyfriend, and breathe for me, alright? Breathe, actually take in breath, because you’re gonna pass out if you keep this shit up.” Andrew told him sternly, but it wasn’t as though Josh was voluntarily trying to wind himself up with paralysing fear so intense that he couldn’t breathe, it was just invading his every cell and threatening to creep further into his field of vision until he couldn’t see at all.

“Josh? Baby? Please,” Tyler’s voice was getting smaller.  
“Come on bud, slow it down for us, nice and easy.”  
“What do I do? I, I, I don’t know what to do.” He was getting wound up and Josh wanted to be the one comforting him, but the tables were turned and he was falling uncontrollably.

“He, he, he’s gonna hurt himself, breathing like this, he’s gonna hurt himself. Do I call an ambulance?”  
“NO!” Josh screamed before erupting into chokes, not an ambulance, no, the heathens didn’t understand, not an ambulance, they couldn’t call an ambulance.

“I don’t think we need to, he’s gonna make himself feel like shit but he’s not doing any damage.” Jesse was reassuring Tyler, who’d shied away and was hugging his knees, whilst Andrew took over rubbing Josh’s back slowly. “Tyler, if you’re scared I can take you for a walk. I don’t want you becoming unwell.”  
“I’m not, no, not leaving him. I’m fine, I just, I, I,”  
“You’re worried,”  
“Yeh,” Tyler sniffed as Josh’s chest was getting tighter and tighter and the pulse in his ears was getting louder and louder.

“Ty have you got some of that medication with you? The acronym I can never remember that you take in emergencies to calm you down - maybe Josh could have some?” Andrew suggested.  
“PRN, uh, uh, yeh, in the drawer, but I’m not, I, you’re not meant to share meds. They’re really high dose, and, and Josh never takes any pills, he, uh, he, the tolerance, he won’t have the tolerance, I don’t want, um, I don’t want to hurt him even more.”  
“Yeah you’re right, don’t give him anything Drew.” Jesse supported the decision.

“You need to calm down Josh, relax. Whatever it is that’s going on, we can deal with it, just take some deep breaths for me man.” Andrew went back to the pep talk method, but Josh was feeling further and further cut off from the men surrounding him as he was drawn deeper and deeper into the detached spaciness that intensified with each passing second.

“He, he, he’s gonna give himself a-an aneurism.”  
“Tyler, rationalise for me otherwise I’m gonna have to take you out buddy. Nothing bad’s going to happen medically, it’s ‘only’ a panic attack - you know what they feel like, what do you like to hear? What helps? What does Josh do for you that you could now do for him? And if you’re not able to do anything for him, maybe we should step outside so you don’t get distressed.” Jesse was looking after Tyler and Josh was grateful - if he was going to die, if this panic was going to kill him the way it felt like it was trying to, he needed to know that somebody would be there for his vulnerable boyfriend.

“I, um, okay. Yeh, okay, I can calm him down.” Tyler nodded with slight determination as he shuffled back close to him, relieving Andrew from his rotation as he instead cupped Josh’s face and wiped his cheeks with his thumbs.

“I love you Josh, I’m here with you, and you’re in a safe place. You, you don’t need to be scared, okay baby? You don’t need to be scared, you’re here w-with people who love you, and there’s no, no danger. You’re safe, everyone’s safe, I promise.”  
“J-Jor-Jor-Jor-Jor,”  
“Jordan?” Tyler guessed and Josh nodded feverishly. “He’s not here Josh, none of them are here. We’re safe.”  
“B-b-b-b-b-b.”  
“I can’t understand you baby. I want to understand you, I want to listen, but I can’t because you can barely breathe. So shall we work together to try and fix that? Yeah? Can you try super hard to listen to what I’m saying, because then you’ll be able to speak and you can tell me whatever it is you need to tell me. I know it’s hard, I know babe, but you really do just have to take bigger breaths less often.”

Josh could only just see Tyler despite him sitting right in front of him. His vision was dark and dancing.

“I want you to put your hands on my shoulders, okay, and we’re gonna try and slow down these rapid fire breaths.” His boyfriend was gentle as he lifted up both of Josh’s tingling hands and guided them up to his own shoulders, carefully placing them up there with a gentle squeeze to each.

“That’s it, we’re opening up your chest, and now we need to fill that very chest up with lots of lovely air. Can you copy me?” He asked softly whilst sucking in a small breath then exhaling it in its entirety. Josh was doing three in the time it took Tyler to do one, but he was trying. He was trying.

“Good Josh, you’re doing so good baby, it’s definitely getting better, right?”  
“Definitely.” Jesse backed him up.  
“Nice and slow sweetie, nice and slow, we’ve got all the time in the world, just focus on getting that air down to the bottom of your lungs and back up again. That’s it, so much better, that’s it,”

 

 

 

He didn’t know when exactly the panic attack had started, but it was almost an hour until he could speak again. After the worst of it was over and he could almost breathe regularly, Jesse and Drew had left to give the pair some space, and they’d slid back up under the duvet for an unspoken cuddle, Josh’s face against Tyler’s chest, with the younger’s hands playing with his hair fondly.

“Ty,” Josh finally croaked out a scratchy sound.  
“Yes babe.” He whispered.  
“I, uh, I. I’m sorry I scared you.”  
“You didn’t do it on purpose, don’t worry, I’m just glad you’re okay now.”  
“Thanks to you.”

“How I felt when I was watching you - is that how you always feel? When I’m the one having a panic attack? Scared? And, a-and kinda helpless?”  
“To some degree, yeh,” Josh answered honestly. “But you’re so much better at listening to my advice, you allow me to help you, I just shut down.”  
“I, uh, I dunno, I guess I’ve just come to accept that the breathing exercises do actually work.” Tyler shrugged a little against the mattress.

“Is that what the attacks always feel like to you? Like you’re dying?”  
“Usually.” Tyler nodded and Josh hummed.  
“Oh.”

“Sucks hey?”  
“Sucks.” Josh agreed, nestling closer.

“I want to talk about it, I do,”  
“About panic attacks?”  
“About my home life and where I’m at with it now.” Josh expanded cautiously. “I, I want you to understand. I want you to get it.”  
“I want that as well, but not at such high stakes. I’m willing to bet you have C-PTSD Josh, we could go to a doctor and get you diagnosed, and I don’t want to risk triggering a panic attack or a flashback or some kind of episode - whatever that was. I want to learn, but not if it hurts you that much to teach.”

“It’ll get easier, right?” He asked, poking his metaphorical head up above the surface and opening himself up to being vulnerable.  
“I mean, um, I think, I think the thing with PTSD, especially chronic trauma, so the trauma that happened was sustained for a long period of time, I think maybe it doesn’t get easier. I think that’s the problem, it doesn’t go away. It doesn’t leave you.” Tyler was trying to be honest, which Josh appreciated, but also trying to find a little hope in the obsolete. “And, um, and that’s not to say it doesn’t get better, it can get better, but I think it’s more a matter of you getting stronger rather than it getting easier. I think you have to basically learn to up y-your tolerance, because your body and mind, they, uh, they still automatically react the same way they did just now. They still remember the fear from the trauma occurring, and that a-adrenaline can paralyse you, like it just did, or you can train yourself to overcome it. But I don’t know if it will ever be easy Josh.”

Josh sighed deeply, not wanting to complicate his mind even further with having to contemplate a future littered with whatever the Hell just happened happening every time he thought about his family.

“I want you to understand.”  
“I know you do baby,” Tyler whispered softly, fingers tangled in Josh’s hair. “Would you like me to do some research? Try and learn more about child abuse? A-and religious abuse?”  
“Maybe.”  
“Okay, course I will if you’re comfortable with that.”

“They’re just, no, you’ll judge me.”  
“I won’t darling, you can say whatever it is you’re thinking. Even if I don’t agree, I won’t hold that against you by any means.”  
“They’re, they’re not bad people Ty, really they’re not.”  
“Right,” Tyler obviously didn’t agree, but Josh could feel his breath shaking.  
“My brother and sisters, they’re warped, it’s, it’s not their fault, the way they are.”  
“No I appreciate that, I do.”  
“And my parents, they, they hit us, but they loved us.”  
“I think my, uh, my disconnect shall we say, is seeing how you can claim to love someone whilst breaking their bones and locking them up.”  
“Because they were trying to save our souls, trying to shape us into the people God wanted us to be.”  
“God wants you to be happy Josh, and He does that through His will, not through your mom’s hand.”

“You’re New Testament. They’re Old Testament.”  
“What does that mean?” Tyler asked innocently.  
“They, um, I don’t, I don’t know how to explain it other than God is wrathful in the Old Testament, He, He punished bad people, He destroyed cities and locked mankind out of paradise, and then in the New Testament He’s loving - I mean He sacrifices His son for our everlasting salvation. That’s the way you see Him, I was raised with the fear of His wrath.”  
“Yeah,” Tyler was thinking about it, breathing deeply.

“And how do you see Him now?”  
“I’m afraid.”  
“Yeah,”  
“But I also feel His love.”  
“I’m glad babe.”

“I, I think, I think that, to use your wording, that’s my disconnect, you know, with the whole gay thing?”  
“Meaning you don’t know whether He’ll punish you or love you?”  
“Yeh,”

“With, um, with, with my mom’s method, it was kind of like we covered worst case scenario if that makes sense? Like if God is wrathful on my judgement day, I know I repented my sins. If He’s loving, I repented my sins anyway and can still pass through to Heaven,”  
“Okay,”  
“Whereas if I opt now to sin and bank on New Testament forgiveness, what if I’m being too optimistic? What if I get it wrong? What if I’m condemned to Hell?”  
“But either way, you still think being bisexual is a sin?”  
“I do,” Josh sighed.

“I make you happy, don’t I?”  
“So happy, so so unbelievably happy. Please don’t take this as a reflection of you, I love you Tyler, I love us, I just can’t stop thinking about what happens afterwards.”  
“Once you die?”  
“Yeh,”  
“But what about the mean time?”  
“This life, this is short term. I’ve got what, 70 more years tops here? And we both know it can be cut shorter at any point - Debby was 18. I’d rather suffer for these short years than suffer for an eternity in Hell.”  
“And suffer? That means, what? Resisting sin? Resisting me?”  
“Maybe.” Josh didn’t know the answer.

“I, um, I, I really struggle with what to say Josh, because I do know what the Bible says, about us being abominations, but I also know that this relationship saved my life. I know that, because of you, I’m a better person, and I can’t wrap my head around the idea of this being anything other than incredibly positive.” Tyler explained his perspective. “To me, sin is something harmful. Our relationship is the opposite of harmful.”

“It’s not harmful, it’s, it’s just wrong.”  
“How can something so beautiful be wrong?”  
“Just because something is beautiful doesn’t mean it’s good Tyler.”  
“So you admit it’s beautiful?”  
“Of course I do. I’m not denying I love our relationship, I’m more than happy to admit I love us together and I love you,” Josh told him honestly. “But alcoholics love the drink, doesn’t mean it’s good for them.”

He regretted using that example, knowing Tyler had drunk in excess during his decline and not wanting to be insensitive to that, but nonetheless the reasoning stood.

“Is that what I am to you? Some kind of demerit good?”  
“Ty, this isn’t about what you are to me, you’re the love of my life, you’re my world. This is separate from us, this is my sin.”  
“It’s hard though, you get that right? It’s hard for me to both accept that you love me whilst also understanding that you think that same love is corrupting your soul and sending you to Hell.”  
“It’s hard for me too Tyler, it doesn’t make sense to me either. All I know for sure is that I love you, and I don’t want to lose you.”  
“But..?”  
“No buts for now.” Josh said, voice muffled as he curled closer into his boyfriend’s chest. “I know I need to figure it out, I know, but for now can we just, I dunno, can we just be us?”  
“Course baby.”

 

 

 

“And you’re sure? You’re really sure? Because I really don’t mind,” Tyler checked for the 10th time.  
“Honest babe, I’ll be okay. It’s only a few hours, right? And then you’ll be back for the night, and Jesse and Drew are both here if I need them,”  
“Plus I’ll keep my phone on, or you could call my mom if you’d prefer to talk to her? Either way, just stay in touch okay? I want you to stay in touch.”  
“I’ll stay in touch.”  
“You promise you’ll stay in touch?”  
“I promise I’ll stay in touch.” Josh nodded.

“Hm, alright, well I’m off, but I want an update within half an hour, every half an hour.”  
“Then that’s what you shall have. I’ll be fine Ty, promise.”  
“Okay, but if you’re not-“  
“Then I’ll tell you in my update, which is coming your way every half an hour until you’re back.” He reassured his fussing boyfriend with a gentle knowing smile.

“I love you Josh.”  
“I love you too, come ‘ere.” The older reached his hand out and rested it round the back of Tyler’s neck, pulling him closer and kissing him on the lips for a little longer than a second. “I’ll be fine, go, enjoy,”  
“See you soon,”  
“So soon.” Josh nodded as they took the final few steps to the apartment door, Tyler being the one to open it but hesitant to actually walk through.

“I’m okay, go and have fun with your family, and take loads and loads of pictures for me.”  
“I will, I, I, yeah I’ll take loads.” He fiddled with the strap of his backpack, which contained a few bits and pieces he might need, but was mostly empty. “And you’re sure?”  
“So sure.” Josh reassured him again. “Go on, go, Momma Joseph’s waiting for you, along with the rest of the rowdy bunch.”  
“I’m going,”  
“Bye babe,”  
“Bye,” Tyler sighed, smiled sympathetically, then finally left the apartment with Josh in it and headed down the hall, looking back twice before even reaching the first set of stairs.

It had taken a lot of persuasion to convince him to still attend Pride with his family following Josh’s minor breakdown, but he’d done it. Him attending was out of the question, but he didn’t want to also be the reason Tyler missed out on an event that had meant so much to him the previous year. Josh had managed to persuade his boyfriend by asking him to go there and protest, protest the way he was being made to feel, protest the way society and the church had conditioned him to feel, protest the way he’d been made to feel afraid to feel.

Of course Josh knew it wasn’t society, it wasn’t even the church per se, it was complex mix of personal trauma and religion that was too tangled to unwind, but that didn’t motivate Tyler to go out enjoy himself. If anything that would worry him into staying, so Josh had opted for the less accurate motivators and was proud that he’d managed to get Tyler to relax enough that he was willing to go.

“Want a cig?” Andrew asked as Josh wandered back into the living room.  
“Don’t smoke.”  
“No I know, but you’ve had a tough day, and that means you’re extra vulnerable to peer pressure right now. Want one to de-stress?”  
“Thanks but no thanks, I’ll stay strong.” Josh waved away the box that appeared, and watched as the slightly older man went over to the window and opened it, then lit his own cigarette and kept the smoke trailing out of the window whilst sitting on the sill. Josh flopped down onto a couch and sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“Long day, hey?”  
“Long day.” Josh nodded, grabbing the nearest pillow and hugging it.  
“Is Tyler crashing here tonight? Cos if not, you can bunk up with Jesse or me if you want some company.”  
“Appreciate it but Ty’s coming back after Pride so he’s got me covered in case I forget how to breathe all over again.”

“That was kinda scary Josh, for me as well as for Ty.”  
“Sorry.”  
“S’alright bud, just as long as you’re feeling better.”  
“I am.”  
“Good,” he smiled as he sucked on the little paper stick between his fingers.

“Josh,”  
“Yeah.”  
“Is smoking a sin in the Bible?”  
“Umm, not, not explicitly, but addiction is, and knowingly harming God’s temple - your body - is.”  
“Right, but you don’t wanna come over here and knock it out my hand?”  
“Nah. You know full well the implications of your actions. It’s not my choice to make.”  
“When you say implications, do you mean cancer? Or Hell?”  
“I mean the manifestation of your sin, so yeah, cancer is a sign that what you’re doing is wrong, and if you’re not deterred then eventually Hell.”

“My sister had cancer when she was little.”  
“I remember you saying, leukaemia right? But she was healed.”  
“Yeah.” Andrew tapped off the ash accumulating at the end of the shrinking cigarette. “Was that because of sin? Her getting cancer aged 8.”  
“No. Bad things happen either as a consequence of sin, or as a reminder of God’s power.”  
“God’s power? What do you mean?”  
“Well I was always told that suffering strengthens faith. When hard times come, at first you reject God, question why you’re being forced to endure something so horrific, but then ultimately you learn to respect His will and the control He has over all our lives, and with that respect and appreciation for his greatness you come to love Him more than before, and He’ll heal you of your ills as a sign of His grace, and you’ll forever be closer to Him because of it.”

“My family are atheists.”  
“I thought you were agnostic?”  
“Eh.” Andrew shrugged.

“So why have you been made to suffer? Sin? Or God’s power display?”  
“Both. I sin too much, and my faith fluctuates. In response God sends me reminders that steer me to the right path.”  
“Why did he make you a bisexual then? Is that a directional pointer? Or a punishment? Or a reward? Or what?”  
“That’s not from Him, that’s all me. My sin.”  
“So what’s He done to try and deter you then? Because my understanding is that the happiest years of your life have been spent with Ty. Surely that’s the big man blessing you and saying He’s okay with it.”  
“I mean He killed my best friend. Can’t really think of a bigger punishment than taking the life of my most beloved.”

“Do you feel responsible for Debby’s death?”  
“Oh yeah, I take full responsibility.”  
“Why??”  
“Because it was my fault. I cheated on her with a boy, and in response I had to be taught a lesson. That included taking her life.”  
“But how do you know that was the reason? What if it was her parents who needed to endure suffering in order to be closer to God, or the drunk driver needed to feel immense guilt to see the err of his ways, or the doctors in the hospital needed to witness loss to appreciate their children more. I dunno man, I just think her death was a part of a huge web of consequences, and it’s almost self centred in a way to think that the ‘message’ or whatever was meant for you.”

“If it wasn’t meant for me, why did God have to take her of all people?” Josh asked, not really expecting his roommate to answer. “She was the only person in my corner until Tyler came along, the only one who checked up on me and kept me strong. She, she was my only friend Drew,”

“Maybe it was God’s way of bringing you and Tyler together.”  
“We were already together, we were already close. We’d gone through our traumas and been brought closer by them - my dad tried to kill Tyler and he was in the ICU for 11 days, then spent weeks in PT. God put us through that to strengthen our relationship, and it did, so I don’t understand why he would need to strengthen it again. It must have been a punishment.”  
“God strengthened your relationship - surely that’s evidence He supports you.”  
“I meant it as in he brought us together so I could support Tyler with his mental health, more like a mentorship than the sexual relationship I pursued instead.”

Josh sighed, hugging the pillow tighter.

“The three of us, we were happy, you know? Debby had an academic scholarship to study journalism at Columbia, Tyler got a basketball scholarship and was gonna read English, and I was all set up for law. Ty and I were living together and staying in Columbus, Debby was going off to New York. We had everything set, you know? We didn’t need to learn any moral lessons, except that my sexual longings were a sin.”  
“The person you were when she was alive is very different from the person you are today. Maybe God felt you needed to undergo those changes, and see all the things you saw in Indonesia.”  
“And in the process, Tyler fell apart. He’s doing phenomenally, and I’m so proud of him, but he’s always going to be unwell. It’s that thing, about once something’s broken it can never go back to how it was, and that’s absolutely the case with his mental health. For the rest of his life he’s going to have to consider every action he takes and how risky that’s going to be, and I don’t understand why God would sacrifice Tyler’s well-being for the sake of my character development. Maybe it was a punishment.”  
“For him being gay?”  
“Yeah.”

“Do you think you’ll ever be able to consider the possibility that maybe God isn’t homophobic?” Andrew stumped out the cigarette and immediately struck up a second.  
“Do you think you’ll ever stop smoking?”  
“Hopefully some day, maybe once I’m done with school, or I meet someone. I know I ought to, but I’m not particularly motivated right now to be honest Josh.” He answered candidly.  
“Hopefully some day I’ll be able to settle it in my mind, accept both my sexuality and Jesus as my saviour, but not right now. It’s not a lack of motivation, it’s just a lack of evidence I think.”

“Evidence.” Andrew hummed, cigarette hovering between his lips as he thought. “See evidence is a word atheists use, not Christians.”  
“I think that’s a very blanket statement. Are you trying to suggest that Christians lack a certain level of reasoning?” Josh was genuinely curious.  
“I mean if I’m being completely honest, I don’t believe in any of this, the idea that everything that happens to us is decided by some overruling god as either a punishment or a lesson is far beyond my imagination, but I’m doing my best to get in the mindset of a believer because I respect you and your faith and I wanna help.” He explained and Josh said nothing. “But to me, you spent your entire childhood being beaten by parents because of a book, and now you’ve found love that just so happens to be forbidden by said book. For me, as someone who relies on logic and evidence and reasoning, for me it’s pretty clear that the book is making you miserable, and if I were you I’d turn my back on it.”

“It would be easier to reject Jesus.” Josh admitted. “I know it doesn’t make sense to you, but to me apostasy is synonymous with abandoning all hope.”  
“Apostasy?”  
“Renouncing God.” He explained and Andrew nodded. “I believe I was created for a purpose, and through a complex set of circumstances sent my way, that purpose is slowing being revealed to me.”  
“Do you think you know yet? Your purpose?”  
“Right now I think it’s to protect Tyler.”  
“Oh okay.”  
“But I used to think it was to spread God’s word through my high school and community, and before that I thought it was to serve my parents. It changes, and I doubt this is the final form, so if I were to turn my back to the church, that would leave me blind to my purpose. And a life without purpose, what good is that?”  
“But a life of denying yourself the man you love, just because he’s a man, surely that’s not a satisfactory life either.”

“It’s about more than living a satisfactory life though, it’s about doing God’s will.”  
“Because you want to get into Heaven? Or because you want to make God proud?”  
“I think, more than anything, I crave love.”  
“But Tyler-“  
“Tyler loves me, but he’ll never love me with the same intensity and weight as The Lord.”  
“Right.”  
“I think maybe that’s why it’s difficult for you and Jesse and Ty to truly grasp - although I really appreciate you trying - but because you haven’t felt the love of God like I have, and you don’t fear Hell like I do, you don’t understand the stakes. You don’t know what I’m sacrificing and what I’m risking by being in a relationship with Tyler.”

“Is there someone you can talk to about it? Someone who understands? Someone at the church?”  
“Maybe, I might text one of the pastors and see if he’s available to see me. Might be a nice surprise for Ty if he comes home and I’ve figured this whole debacle out.” Josh was half joking, knowing it would take years to feel comfortable if he ever did decide to go down the route of accepting his sexuality. Whether he would even try was still up in the air.

“You know what, I bet there’s a bunch of Christian stalls at Pride.”  
“Yeh, probably screaming they’re all going to burn in Hell.”  
“No no, I mean there might be protests, but I’m pretty sure last year I saw photos of churches there in support, you know, handing out leaflets and offering to talk to people who wanted to discuss sexuality and the Bible.”  
“Really?”  
“Yeh.”

 

 

  
“Aw I’m glad you’ve had a good time baby,” Mom was grinning as they walked away from the foot truck, managing to carry three hotdogs ladened with ketchup and onions each. The cans of red bull and Pepsi had been stuffed in Tyler’s drawstring gift bag that hung loosely from his shoulders, initially given to him by some charity at the beginning of the parade and was filled with free condoms and stickers and wristbands and sweets and all sorts.

He’d been handed freebie after freebie, and around his neck hung half a dozen bead necklaces, as well as the string that held up his rainbow flag like a cape. The outfits he’d planned for Josh and himself had fallen through, and were still scraps of fabric in Josh’s kitchen, but Tyler felt like he was still in the spirit of things in spite of his black jeans and tank as the rest of his body was covered in rainbows. There was no sense of shame or embarrassment as he walked around with his scars on display, nobody had stared all afternoon, and a kind woman he met early on in the day had painted the rainbow colours on his cheekbones and covered the rest of his face and arms in glitter.

His mom was also dressed up in her own version of the rainbow, with each item of clothing a different block of colour. She looked mad, but Tyler loved it.

“Oh there they are,” Tyler laid eyes on his three siblings and Dad across the street, and they changed direction slightly and started making their way towards them.

“You’ve done so well today baby, I know crowds and loud music can be difficult, so I hope you’re proud of yourself.”  
“I felt really safe the whole time, I dunno, I guess I just trust these people and it makes me relaxed.”  
“That’s great honey, I’m really happy for you. You’re doing amazing.”  
“Thanks Mom.”

“I’m sorry Josh couldn’t make it Ty. I know having him would have made it that extra bit more special.”  
“Maybe next time.” Tyler shrugged.  
“Hopefully.” She nodded, then smiled sympathetically.

“Finally! I’m about to starve to deaatthhh,” Zack groaned as he rushed to take his hot dog from Tyler.  
“The queue was like 50 people,” Tyler explained as he gave the other hot dog he’d carried to Jay. The tallest of the Josephs had added an additional few inches to his stature by wearing a headband with ping pong balls attached to springs that bounced every time he moved. It was still funny to Tyler, even after 3 hours of parading together.

The drinks were all dished out too and the family stood in comfortable silence for a moment as they each tucked into the long awaited street food.

“So what’s the plan?” Dad asked after swallowing his first bite, ketchup already smeared above his top lip. “We wanna end on a high and head home once we finish these? Or go listen to the band? Or you two older ones can go to one of the afterparties if you want? As long as you don’t drink Ty?”  
“Yes! Tyler! Gay club! You and me!” Zack was ecstatic with the idea.  
“Not really my scene.” Tyler chuckled.  
“Dude look at you sparkling in the sun. A gay club is exactly your scene.” Jay teased and Tyler laughed, knowing that glitter had already found its way into his hot dog, but nonetheless the idea of going out clubbing was not in the slightest bit appealing.

“I think I need to get back to Josh.” His tone a little somber, nobody pushing him. “He hasn’t updated me in like 45 minutes, I probably ought to go be with him.”  
“I’ll give you a lift baby, let’s just finish eating first then we’ll go,”  
“Thanks Mom,”  
“And what about you guys? We can stay a bit longer if you want?” Dad offered the other 3 kids, and Tyler was expecting them to want to leave as well. He was the only one who was a member of the LGBT community and really they were there to support him, which he appreciated to no end, but he guessed that as soon as he left they would all run home and change out of their rainbow attire and into something more comfortable for them, but apparently not.

“I wanna see the band!”  
“I want at least 3 more hotdogs!”  
“I want to find that condom bucket again, stock up before I see Tatum again.” Zack was the last to share his desire, and Mom smacked his bicep playfully as he giggled. “Joking, joking. We’re actually trying for a baby.”  
“Zackary!”  
“Kidding,” he sniggered, proud of himself for winding her up.

“Jay, if you’re serious about the hotdogs then go get in the queue, you’ll be there for a while. We’ll join you in a minute and give you the money.”  
“Kay,” the 14 year old ran off towards the temporary food court in the closed street, headband wobbling like crazy with each bound.  
“As for you two, you wanna go find where that music is coming from?” Dad asked Maddy and Zack, who both nodded. “Alright then, I’ll meet you at home later then Kel? Unless you wanna join us after dropping Tyler at Josh’s?”  
“I’ll check the timings, but yeah if you’re still here then I’d love to come check out some live music with you guys.” Mom smiled, and so did Dad. Tyler knew they used to go to concerts together all the time before he was born - it was their favourite kind of date night.

“Thanks for coming, and, uh, and supporting me.” Tyler told his two remaining siblings.  
“Wouldn’t dream of being anywhere else.” Zack held his arms out and Tyler stepped into his embrace. His brother’s grip was strong and unwavering, and Tyler knew the hug was his way, amongst the jokes, to reassure him that he loved and supported him unendingly. He let him hold him for a long few seconds.

“Love you brother.” He kissed Tyler’s sparkly temple as he released him.  
“Love you too,” Tyler couldn’t help the small smile creeping up his face as he took his turn hugging his only sister.  
“Thanks for an awesome day.”  
“Glad you had fun Maddy, and hopefully next time we can actually get those costumes finished in time?”  
“I’ll start this evening, give us a 12 month head start.” She laughed as she stepped back.  
“Perfect.”

“Proud of you kiddo, come here.” Dad was the last to hug Tyler, rubbing his back with a firm hand. “S’always a pleasure to see you so happy. Keep it up, yeah?”  
“Yeah,”  
“S’my boy,” he ruffled Tyler’s hair fondly.

“Right, come on Sparkles, let’s go contaminate Josh’s flat with glitter.” Mom gestured for Tyler to follow her and he did, waving goodbye to his family with a happy heart.

“I got lucky, with you guys as a family, I struck gold.” He murmured happily to the floor, and Mom looped her arm around his.  
“We feel the same way about having you as a son. It hasn’t always been easy, but gosh it’s been worth it Tyler. You’re such an amazing young man, I hope you know that.”  
“Slowly learning to see myself in that light, slowly slowly.”  
“That’s all I could ever hope for.”

“Do you mind if we take a quick detour?”  
“Detour? Where?”  
“I just, I think I saw some guys from a Christian LGBT foundation, or a church here in support, or something, down there.” He pointed up the street. “They had leaflets, I was hoping to grab one for Josh. And if Josh isn’t up to it, I can keep it for me to read so I can have a few hinters as to what to say when he’s getting distressed.”  
“Oh that’s a wonderful idea baby, really considerate of you. Course we can.”

They headed towards the white tent further up the street and Tyler quickly caught sight of their banner: “Columbus Gay-Affirming Church! Here to Help!” There were plenty of other posters propped up against the marquee, presumably placards that had been up during the parade, and they varied from “God loves and accepts you” to “God, who knows the heart, showed that he accepted them by giving his Holy Spirit to them. Acts 15:8” Tyler liked that one especially, and he decided that if it wasn’t in the leaflet then he’d take a photo of it.

Under their gazebo type structure there were three tables covered in lots of different booklets, and as they got closer Tyler could see that one listed all the gay-affirming churches in Ohio, another had information from a Christian crisis hotline, and several discussed homosexuality and the Bible.

There were also 6 or 7 men and women stood around with identifying badges on, and some were in discussion with members of the public whilst Tyler spotted 3 who were stood around drinking from water bottles. He decided to speak to them whilst Mom hung back and continued admiring the placards.

“Hi, excuse me, I was wondering if I could ask some questions?” He didn’t know how to initiate the conversation, but the two females and one man all turned and smiled warmly.  
“Sure thing kid, how can we help?”  
“I’m Tyler, and I’m gay, and my boyfriend, he was raised in an Assemblies of God Church and faced a lot of abuse because of it, both physical child abuse and homophobia.”  
“Gosh, I’m awfully sorry to hear that.”  
“He’s doing better these days, lots better, but he’s still not completely okay with his sexuality, and in the end he decided he couldn’t come today because he’s still so scared that his bisexuality is a sin. He’s not here, he’s back home, but I was hoping you might have something I can give him which might be comforting? Some interpretation of the scriptures, or something along those lines, that I could show him? Maybe even some pearls of wisdom from the Bible that you could explain to me which I can pass on to him?”  
“Well you’ve come to the right place, let me collect up all the literature I think will help you out, and then we can discuss them together.” The slightly shorter of the two women offered with an excessive smile, and once Tyler nodded, she moved over to the table of brochures and started sifting through them.

For the first time he noticed a coupling he hadn’t been able to see before that were almost directly behind her but a little way off in the distance. There was a man with the same Here to Help! badge as the rest of the church’s volunteers sat on the curb of the street beside a younger individual who looked odd at Pride in his black jeans, grey hoodie and black beanie. The hood was up and covering the beanie, and sunglasses covered a little more of his face, clearly an attempt at a disguise, but Tyler recognised Josh instantly.

He didn’t wave, didn’t react, but watched. It was evident that Josh was trying not to be identified by the large crowds still circulating, and Tyler didn’t want to draw attention to him by acknowledging him whilst covered in glitter and rainbows. If he went over to him then that would send out a clear message that Josh knew someone out and proud, and Tyler decided it wasn’t his decision to make. Maybe Josh still didn’t feel comfortable being honest about that part of himself, and Tyler had no right to out him to the surrounding groups of people without his permission. So instead he stayed back, keeping his distance and respecting his ability to choose what narrative he told those surrounding him.

Josh hadn’t noticed him yet. Instead he was deep engrossed in conversation with the volunteer, and Tyler was overcome with a sudden swell of pride for the clearly terrifying decision his boyfriend had made by attending the LGBT celebration and trying to proactively help himself.

“Right, here we are Tyler.” The woman returned, armed with half a dozen leaflets.

“Tyler?” Josh had heard his name being used and immediately jumped up, making eye contact as he ripped his sunglasses off.  
“Josh, hey,”

Tyler didn’t know how to react. He didn’t want to be too familiar in case it became obvious they were together, and again he was doing his best to respect Josh’s potential wishes of wanting to seem straight, but all plans were blown out of the water as Josh boldly strode towards him and wrapped his arms around Tyler’s neck, pulling him close and pressing their lips together.

It wasn’t a passionate kiss, but it was an emotional one. It was Josh’s declaration to the world that Tyler was his boyfriend, and it didn’t matter who saw. It was big step. It was a fucking huge step.

“I love you, okay? I love you,” Josh’s hand ran through Tyler’s hair as he repeated himself, holding persistent eye contact.  
“I love you too Josh,”  
“I’m sorry it’s all so messy right now, but I’m gonna figure it out I promise. Glenn, he’s been helping me, and he’s gonna keep helping me cos I’m probably gonna attend his church for a little while. I’m gonna do everything I possibly can to find a way to accept my sexuality, because you,” He kissed him again. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I’m just sorry that I’m making things such a mess right now.”  
“Don’t ever apologise for something beyond your control Josh. I know this is far from easy for you, and I promise I’ll be nothing but supportive as you work through it all.”

“You’re the best person I’ve ever met.”  
“Josh,” Tyler laughed a little, aware of the people around them, but finding it easy to focus on the man in front of him.  
“I’m serious, you’re the best person I know, and I’m not sure why on Earth all this tricky stuff keeps coming our way, maybe it’s God, maybe we just have the worst luck ever! I don’t know anymore, but what I do know is that every moment spent with you is a moment I know I’ll never regret. Every moment I’m with you, I, I feel things that scream out to me that this is right, and I need to start listening to those feelings more and the masochistic voice telling me to push you away less.”

“We can take things are your pace, don’t feel you have to rush because of a moment of inspiring motivation. Let’s figure this out first, okay? Let’s properly work through the feelings of the last 24 hours, explore them, heal them. Let’s not brush them under the rug and move on but let’s work through them instead, together. Because that’s how this gets better Josh, yeah? I don’t need these thoughts of yours to go away, I need them to get better. I need you to get better.”  
“I’m gonna work through it I promise.” Josh was nodding as Tyler cupped his face adoringly.

“I love you so much.” Tyler cracked another grin and Josh responded by echoing the smile then kissing him again with a small giggle.  
“I’ll never get tired of hearing that.”  
“I’ll never get tired of saying it. I love you.”  
“I love you.” Josh kissed him one last time. “I’ll figure it all out eventually Ty.”  
“I know you will.”

**Author's Note:**

> Today marks exactly 2 years since I first started this series - something I never even thought would still be in production all this time later! I'm so honoured that you guys have becomes so invested in this universe
> 
> Lots of stuff in the pipeline guys, a new update for the autistic non verbal Josh series, the wheelchair fic is gonna be finished off before Christmas, hopefully the DID sequel will be too, and my chronic illness service dog fic is coming along very nicely if I do say so myself :D keep your eyes open! (or subscribe to my user for a notifying email!)
> 
> Also, trench has not yet been released officially, T-minus 4 hours here in the UK, but I maaay have listened already and wow. Just wow. This era is gonna be a good one, but then again, which hasn't?? Lemme know which song is your initial favourite - mine is Cut My Lip
> 
> Final thing - do you guys prefer these mammoth 20k instalments? Or would you prefer like 3k? or maybe chaptered? I'm just very aware that these take a loooong time to read, but I don't wanna miss anything out by cutting it down too much.
> 
> *edit* By request I’ve split this big boy in two, and in the future I’ll put anything over 10k words into multiple chapters xx
> 
> lots of love,  
> Maisie


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